Living Together

17 The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband:
18 For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.39 And many of the Samaritans of that city believed on him for the saying of the woman, which testified, He told me all that ever I did.
John 4:17–18, 39
It is too weak to just say we have become lenient on sin.  Our retreat from righteousness is more extensive than we realize. We see this not only in the lack of church discipline, but also in the lack of genuine Christian compassion. When we generalize sin we lose our sense of compassion for the plight of men.
Interestingly, shallow views are also evident in how we categorize sins. We are easily disposed to leveling sin’s categories. By doing so we diminish sin’s importance and ease sin’s guilt if we simply say that sin is sin; all sins are the same. While it is true that all sins are a corruption of goodness (Geisler), it is neither true experientially or biblically that all sins are the same.

Experientially, none of us think that it is just as bad to steal a piece of bubble gum from our friend’s dresser as it is to murder a room full of first graders as in the Sandy Hook incident. While both are sins and transgressions against God’s revealed law, they do not carry the same import or weight.
This also is borne out in Scripture. Jesus said there were weightier matters of the law in Matthew 23:23. The Lord stated that loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind was the first and greatest commandment. Jesus told Pilate that the one or ones who delivered Him to Pilate “hath the greater sin.” John declares in 1 John 5:16 – 17 that there is a sin that is unto death and there is sin that does not lead to death.  Paul cites that some were actually disciplined by physical sickness and/or death for partaking of the Lord’s Table in an unworthy manner (1 Corinthians 11:29 – 30). Of course there is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit for which there is no forgiveness (Matthew 12:32). Proverbs 6 plainly implies that there are 7 sins that God particularly hates. In Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy there are “high handed” sins of the utmost seriousness that are distinguished from sins that require a sacrifice (see Leroy Forlines “The Quest for Truth” Appendix 1). The punishment declared in Hebrews 10:29 for trampling underfoot the Son of God, counting the blood of the covenant as an unholy thing, and who outrages the Spirit of grace is said to be “much sorer” than other sins. Certainly all sin is serious.  Every sin is disobedience to the Lord. But some sins are worse than others; even in God’s eyes.

But this is not so in our day. Our “leveling” of sin has resulted in a cavalier attitude toward disobedience.

Reducing all sin to a general category to some degree has resulted in a cheap view of grace and forgiveness; justice and repentance. This is especially evident in our attitudes and reactions toward the type of fornication that is known as cohabitation (living together).

The word fornication is used in several different ways in Scripture and sometimes generally refers to any sexual activity outside of marriage. However, it is used specifically too. One of the specific usages is that of cohabitation: a man and woman living as husband and wife, who are not married. I believe this is one of those weightier sins. It violates a stated law of God. It mocks the home as an institution created by God. Cohabitation demeans the only divinely instituted relationship for man and woman as souls united in a lifetime covenant that is recognized by God as the marriage covenant. It is a direct violation of God’s law.

The overarching question is how does the church meet the challenges of this particular sin? How do we frame the conversation with those who are living together who attend our churches? How do we make the point about the seriousness of this sin and yet reach out compassionately with the Gospel? I believe there is some things we should consider.

Don’t …
Don’t normalize cohabitation.
It is our nature to overlook sensitive situations. This is particularly true when it involves close friends or family members. Our tendency is to include and treat cohabiting couples as though they were married. This is done in order not to hurt their feelings and perhaps keeps lines of communication open with them.
I once had a co-worker who was living with a man and had a little girl. She taught the little girl to call him “daddy.” Later they separated. The child was devastated. But more than that it sent a profound psychological message to the child about the nature of relationships and about the concept of fatherhood.

When a couple is living together, the non-related person should not be addressed as family, especially as mother or daddy, grandpa or grandma. They are not family; neither are they in a family unit or home. This does not mean that they should be excluded from family functions or we should not visit them at all. By all means they should feel a warm welcome to be among the family, but not as a family unit or a married couple.

This is also true in church life. While we certainly want cohabiting couples to attend church, it should be clear that while they are welcomed, they are not a members of the church family. They are living in sin. While they may be entertaining thoughts of “making things right,” things are not right. The actions of the church should never send a message that cohabiting couples are a part of the membership because they bring a covered dish to the fellowships, or play on the softball team.  

Do not give the impression that marriage is the spiritual solution to cohabitation.

I know of some pastors who will not marry couples living together. While I understand and respect their motivations, I will indeed marry them. What is right is right, even for unsaved people. It is always better for sinners to do the right thing than the wrong thing.

Nevertheless, it must be understood that marriage is not equal to repentance and redemption for couples living together outside the bonds of marriage. Many people have conveyed to me that they want to marry to make things right. Marriage doesn’t make you right with the Lord.

Repenting of your sins and totally trusting Christ with every aspect of your being makes you right with God.

Don’t shy away from speaking openly, but compassionately about this particular from of fornication.

The Bible has the solutions to our problems. Don’t speak condescendingly, but do not back up from what Scriptures say about all sins including fornication.

Do …
Show your love to the couple.

Let them know they are welcomed in the church. Warmly greet them and tell them from time-to-time that you are glad they are there. Do not shy away from preaching, teaching and modeling the truth, but make sure that you do so with a heart of love and concern.

Pray for them.

We fall so short of realizing the power of prayer. I am convinced and convicted of our attitude about prayer. The powerlessness of our churches and in our lives stems from our weak attitudes and shallow attempts toward prayer. Where is our burden, not only for those in this situation, but others who are lost?

Model what a true godly marriage and home should be.

Is there a difference in a Christian’s home and that of a cohabiting couple? There should be. When Christ Jesus is the Head of the home there is a whole different atmosphere of peace and security. There is godly joy and genuine love. Circumstances and situations, though just as consequential, do not rob the character of the godly home. This is a great testimony.

Speak to them about their situation.

Tense as it may be, there must be a time when we face people with their situation. If not, they will adjust to the church and come to think themselves as “unofficial” members. Speaking to couples requires much wisdom, love, and a genuine heart of concern.
Provide a means available to them to repent and get married.

I have a pastor friend who has designed a simple, yet effective card that lovingly, yet firmly explains the Bible’s stance on marriage as opposed to cohabitation. And it offers a discreet, yet public solution. Cohabiting couples must constantly be reminded that this is not God’s plan for their lives. God wants the best for them. He wants them … all of them. And He wants them to live under His instituted plan of a man and a woman living in a spiritual covenant of marriage.  

A couple living together is not an uncommon phenomenon even in our churches. We can’t ignore this sin. In this area, as in all areas, the Lord’s redemption is the only answer.